Dear grass,
Hi, it’s me, Jill. Listen, I just noticed that you’re really long again. You’re really green and pretty, and you look much better than the neighbors’ lawns, and DON’T GET ME WRONG, I really respect that. You’re doing your thing. I get it.
But the thing is, I feel like ALL I DO is mow you, bitch about having to mow you, or procrastinate mowing you. It’s quite time consuming, especially considering I have a tiny-assed little Toro lawnmower from Sears. Not to mention, I have a really busy schedule these days.
I really don’t want to pay Mexican laborers $40 a week to mow you, so… I was wondering if you could… maybe… just chill out for a little while. Stop taking your fertilizer. Kick back and put your feet up. Listen to a little Jimmy Buffett and have a few pina coladas. Fins!
Basically, just cease and desist with the whole supersonic growing thing. For a little while.
That would be amazing.
Sincerely,
Jill
