Dear Dolly Parton,
I loved you in 9 to 5. Boy, you really know how to work a lasso. And I’m so impressed that you kept your composure after finding that dead body in the trunk of Lily Tomlin’s car; I would have been much more freaked out.
Also, I thought it was so heroic how you came to Julia Robert’s aid with that orange juice in Steel Magnolias. By getting her blood sugar level up, you saved her life. You may have ensured that she lost neither her vision nor her limbs. It was so moving. Drink your juice, Shelby!
I also really admire your willingness to fight for your man. I’m right behind you on that one. That slut Jolene? Yeah, she sure has it coming. (Do you know who Joey Greco is? You should let me give you his number…)
However, dear Dolly, after seeing you on American Idol last night, I’m sort of concerned about a few things. You sounded very hoarse and your voice was quite weak. Are you coming down with something? If so, don’t take Airborne; I heard on CNN that it doesn’t work and there is some lawsuit against them or something. Hmm, maybe you should get some B-12 shots. At age 62, it’s no secret that your immune system can be quite weak.
(Sidebar: have you spoken to Sally Field about the state of your bones yet?)
Dear Dolly, I love so many of your songs. I Will Always Love You, Islands In The Stream (a duet with Kenny Rogers), 9 to 5, Jolene, and uh, ok, those are the only ones I know. But I love them.
However, I don’t have love for your new song, Jesus & Gravity, after hearing you sing it on American Idol last night. I must confess, I’m not a fan of religion… even when it’s being crammed down my throat via a melodic little ditty. I hope we can still be friends after that revelation; I know what Jesus means to you.
Also, I found the lyrics to Jesus & Gravity confusing. After more closely listening, I can’t help but ask… is this song about the state of your breasts in the water versus on land?
…I’ve got somethin’ lifting me up,
somethin’ holding me down…
Dearest Dolly, regardless of Jesus & Gravity, I’m coming to see you perform at Mohegan Sun Casino in 3 weeks. I hope the show is good, because your tickets were really expensive. You postponed the concert a few weeks because of back pain due to your aforementioned breasts; hopefully you’ve since acquired a better bra and have rectified the situation. Here You Come Again!
I’ve included a SASE for an autographed photo (please?!) and a few tickets to Dollywood (pretty please?!) and airfare so I can get to Dollywood (oh that would be so great).
I Will Always Love You,
Jill
1 Comment
March 15, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Jill,
Yes I did find you while “researching” Brandi Carlile. I’m so glad I did because you are hilarious! I’m sure you’re well aware of that fact, but…anyway… I’ve just spent 45 minutes of my precious Sunday morning alone time reading your blog and it was worth every second.
Natha