Dear slow drivers of the world,
In case all the “middle fingers” and curse words coming your way on a daily basis didn’t alert you, let me be a bit more clear: YOU ARE OBNOXIOUS. And everyone hates you.
I know, I know. It can be exciting to hum along to a Celine Dion song on that newfangled CD player of yours… basking in the glow of Dion’s melancholic French Canadian vocals and reminiscing how you saw her in Las Vegas last year. But for the love of all that’s good and holy, can’t you drive more than 22mph while you do so? You’re killing me here.
Dear slow drivers, you always pull the same shit with me. You dart out of the Krispy Kreme parking lot without looking, and cut me off . You then proceed to drive slower than the blood through John Goodman’s veins, inevitably leaving me driving 15mph under the speed limit and seething in frustrated rage for mile after mile.
Slow drivers, you are the bane of my existence, and even the undead hate you; why, just last night, I contacted Henry Ford via ouiji board, and even he said you were an asshole. He also mentioned he hates what Ford has done with the Mustang. But I digress.
And while I have your attention, dear idiot driving the Porsche/BMW/Corvette at 55mph in the fast lane on the highway, I hate to break it to you… but you are SUCH a loser. You are KING LOSER. Your cologne is Eau de Loser (French). If you were in the movie 300, your name would be MAXIMUS LOSERUS. If you were a vacuum, you’d outperform the Dyson with your suckage. If you were on NBC’s The Biggest Loser, you would win even if you gained weight.
Bottom line: slow drivers in the fast lane, you are a hazard to the road and you need to have your licenses revoked. And people who drive sports cars slowly, you losers should be driving a broke Kia Spectra. Leave the elite machinery to people who have a clue.
Beep Beep,
Jill
1 Comment
April 11, 2008 at 11:03 pm
::sniiiiiifff:
ahhhhh. The smell of righteous anger. Right after free hot interwebs pornography… the bestest thing on these here intertubes.
I had people calling me “sir” when I was 21. I’d beg them to stop, but they didn’t seem to know how.
Oh, and I actually LIKE Gene Simmons’ show. I mean… he’s a moron, but that’s the point. His kids are four times smarter AND classier than he is. Just episode after episode of pushing two good kids towards a lifetime of therapy.