Dear Salespeople Who Work On Commission,
You seriously need to chill. I’m not in your store for 15 seconds before you’re up my ass like Wilfred Brimley to a diabetes testing meter. It’s quite annoying. I’M LIKE SO HAPPY my purchase of this TV stand will put $4.82 in your pocket, but you seriously need to chill.
Fine. I get it. You’re just trying to make a buck. Your kid has incisors like Hugh Grant and desperately needs braces. Or maybe you’re just 3 mattresses away from getting your name engraved on that little plaque outside the employee restroom. But I just politely informed you I wanted to browse… and yet you’re hovering around me like I’m an ill-behaved doberman pinscher and you’re Cesar Milan The Dog Whisperer. So kindly back off and let me browse your sectional sofas in peace. Thanks.
Dear pushy, annoying, 20 year old sales girls who work at clothing stores at the mall, stop stalking me in the dressing room. I’m naked in here, and I’m busy trying to prevent my bare foot from touching the nasty floor. I don’t need you screaming at me from outside the door. No, I don’t need another size. No, I don’t want you to bring me things you think I’ll like. And please, spare me your ridiculous opinions; you’re never going to convince me I look fabulous in these yellow and purple polka-dot leg warmers. You’re not coming across as helpful, you’re coming across as a patronizing loser who desperately needs to scrape together some beer money for the weekend.
And a random note to you, dear middle aged women who work at Yankee Candle: stop telling me 900 times that “the fragrance is strongest in the lid.” No it’s not. Give me a break! What’s next? You’re going to try to convince me the Flowbee gives a great haircut, and that Whoopi Goldberg is straight? Please. And while I have your attention, immediately cease and desist rudely barking at people to “not pick up the candle by the lid.” You’re selling a $25 CANDLE. You should be happy people are picking them up at all.
Those pants make your ass look fat,
Jill
